things are looking up…

I have had a few ups and downs this past week. So the beginning of the week was super hard and the end of the week turned out great.

I have had a few issues with dysphoria and its been tough. I am very ready to start T. It took me along time to come to this point in my life but I am here now and can’t wait. The problem is finding a doctor close enough and that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. I found a doctor about 3 hours away. She works with transgender patients which is good. Here is the problem. The cost to see her is fine. $150 (what I was expecting to pay around here) but now add in the $70 bus ticket and what a hotel would cost for the night plus meds. It kinda makes my head spin. My first trip to see her would cost about $350 for everything. Not including that when I get home I will have another bill for the rest of it. Deep breath.
My primary doctor (who I love) has not told me that she wouldnt do it 100% yet but on the phone the other day it was about 95% nope I have never done this and you might have to look in bigger cities.
I have gotten from some friends in Canada a name of a doctor who would be willing to speak with my doctor about all the ins and outs of everything. My doctor is also talking with a colleague who has worked with two other people in the area to see if she would be willing to take me on. Keep your fingers crossed!

I have also learned that I might have to go and see another therapist to get an okay for starting T. GAH REALLY?! I have been seeing my therapist for 3 years. I love her and she knows everything. Bad stuff, good stuff, gender stuff and everything in between. She is talking to her colleagues about this too. Keep your fingers crossed about this too!

(I would also like to know at what point can you start calling co-workers colleagues?! I might have to start that now!!)

And this brings me to something I have bought. I received it in the mail at the end of last week. I looked at it for a couple of days. Then got really super bummed out. I should not have to order “my junk” off the Internet. Yep that’s right I am now packin! Watch out.
So this brings me back to the beginning of the week. So now I have my junk sitting in a bag in a box. And I get super sad. I wished things were easier. I wish I could of just been born with what I need. Not to mention the bottom surgery sucks ass! $150,000 for something that really doesn’t even work unless you pump it up first. Gah you would think it would be different now. That things would of changed and that the ftm surgery would work and be just as effective as the mtf surgery. All this I am thinking while I stare at my junk. It does nothing. Just sits in my gitch (that was for my Canadian friends!!)
Well it was time to suck it up (maybe bad choice of words there) and figure out how to wear this junk. After 4 times to buy different gitch (nothing really held it in place since it just sits in there) some very smart Canadian said what about a jock strap…. What a brilliant idea!!!! Not only does it hold my junk in place, it’s tight enough that it holds my binder down too. (woot no belt unless I want to wear it!!)

This is day 4 that I have been packing from the time I wake up til bed time (I wanted to pack at night just to see how it felt but a jock strap is not as comfy as it looks. ) I can say that after the first day and looking at every mirror I could find, I woke up day two feeling like I was missing something. HUGE DUMB SMILE. So ya it’s day 4 and I feel great. I have never felt better and just a bit more complete. Which is an awesome feeling. It’s just hard not to walk around all day grabbing my junk. Hahaha

Oh and brother texted me for the first time in 3 months last weekend too. It was so nice to hear from him I have missed our chats. He is still hurt and confused. It will take time but I love him and would do anything for him so I am willing to wait and let him take all the time he needs. I am so proud of him. He started college this month. He has a full ride scholarship for running to the University of Arkansas! I am hoping either in January or February I will be able to go down and watch an indoor race!

I have a super busy next 6 months going on. Lots of work here in the states. I think I have off a total of one weekend between now and October 23rd. That’s when I leave for Canada and will be gone almost a month. I will be back November 16th and start work right away. I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to see people and friends who have turn out to be another extended family!

Well that’s it for now.
Later -E