i. need. sleep.

September 1, 2012

I am laying in my bed thinking. It’s been a rough but good couple of weeks. Lots emotions, but in the end turned out amazing. Yet I am here overwhelmed and not able to get a proper nights rest. In three days I have had anywhere from 7-10 hours of sleep. And the the first of three days was zero sleep…. So not doing to well there.

I am overwhelmed with the process of starting hormones. I am overwhelmed with the cost of everything. I work what sometimes feels like a million hours to never get ahead because things go all toward my medical bills and crap. GAH. If my doctor (which is not looking to promising) is not willing to work with me on hormones then I am off traveling to see a new doctor. That visit just to walk in (travel, lodging, cost of meds, doctor visit) is costing upward of $400. Not including the rest of the medical bill when I get back home. FML

I know that this is something that I need to do but in the end I shouldn’t of needed to do it in the first place. I should of just been me.

I am also a book of knowledge now because my therapist who I have seen for years knows nothing about writing letters to start hormones and so on… Which is fine. I love my therapist and it scares the crap out of me to think of finding a new one. But it seems like all I do is find information about everything. I am overwhelmed on that front too. I just want to say…. YOU HAVE GOOGLE DO IT YOURSELF. But I know that is not helpful at all and during this whole process I have really learned a lot.

I guess right now what is throwing me off is in my life I have always been a shitty sleeper. From grade K-current. So getting 3-5 hours of sleep is not new but just the lack of sleep in three days is throwing me off. I am so tired and can’t sleep. Looking back on my life I have primarily had this problem when life has sucked buckets, but life doesn’t suck!

I just need sleep. I have a job which requires me to have a ton of patience and this is not helping anything.

It’s 8am just about here this Saturday morning. I don’t work until 3pm. I am working phone banks at noon for political stuff. So I can get more sleep (since I am on going 3 hours right now) but I need my brain to shut off. Maybe with writing this blog it might help.

-E

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for my dad

August 27, 2012

I am not really sure how this blog will turn out but here we go.

I look up to my dad. I always have. My dad could do no wrong. I wanted to be just like my dad in every way. Except the whole pulling up my sock to my knees thing 🙂 My dad and I did everything together. My dad taught me how to throw a fast ball, work on engines, and how to open up the doors for my sisters. I was taught to protect my sisters at every cost and I did that. I did that very well.

I am the oldest of 5. I took my job as the oldest serious. I helped in every which way I could. I carried everything for everyone and tried to keep the peace.

This brings me back to my dad. My dad was the same way. Could he had a temper oh sure! But my dad was the oldest of 5 too and bent over backwards to make sure his family (us) and his parents were taken care of. Yard work, house work, car repairs anything he could do he did for them. And I was right there with him doing all of those things.

I remember asking my dad when I would have a beard and a mustache like his?! He said I couldn’t grow one because I was a girl?! I was a WHAT?! It never really hit me what I was til that moment. I was just me. Dad what do you mean because I am a girl?! So my dad had some explaining to do about facial hair and I remember the end of the conversation being held by him as i cried and listening to him say it’s okay. One day maybe you can. That was all I needed and I was back working on engines!

My dad and I have always been close. We have had a dude relationship for sure. No tears, no emotions and talk about sports and cars and everything was good.

It was always the biggest joke in the family that I was the first born son. I was taught mostly guy type stuff but was forced to learn girly things too (I am not trying to be sexist at all but that was just how things were split up growing up. Girl stuff and boy stuff. No one did gender neutral things)

I went to Catholic school and had to wear a skirt or a jumper?! By third grade I found my voice and with the help of my VERY outspoken mom at the time, I went to a school board meeting and asked to wear pants and a collar shirt because I couldn’t play kickball with a skirt. From the point on I knew I didn’t have to wear skirts. If my priest was okay with it how could my parents argue?! By the time I hit 7th grade I was in public school. The problem was going into 7th grade the girls had home economics 4 days a week and the boys had industrial arts 4 days a week and for one day they switched. NO WAY I am going to cook and sew for 4 days a week…. Off to another school board meeting with my parents behind me supporting me. This time I had a VERY outspoken step mom. The next two years I was able to go to the “guys” class and after our class graduated they changed the wording do that anyone could sign up for those classes.

My whole life I have been fighting for me. I have been fighting for who I really am and just didn’t know it.

I wish it all ended there but sports teams, clothes, schools, churches, parents, family they all pushed me to be who I looked like but not who I was. It was okay for when I was little but not as I grew up. I had to do girly things and I fought very very hard.

And now I am a grown adult who finally has said yes I am and always have been a guy. My name is Elliot and its nice to meet you.

I am the same damn person as always. If not a better person because I now have confidence that I have never had before. I am changing and people can see that. Just the other day there was a lady who I have only ever said hi to once a week, pull me aside and tell me that I have never had such a sparkle in my eye or smiled so much as I do now when she sees me. It’s time like that I wish my parents mainly my dad could see. He doesn’t know what life has been like for me because for the last 8 years I have lived 14 hours away. Plus remember we don’t talk about emotional stuff.

So here I am. 32 almost turning 33 and I want my dad. I want my dad to see me and me. As Elliot. To see how my life has changed in a very short time but how it all makes sense now. He taught me things I needed to know now. I wasn’t forced to play with dolls and barbies I could tromp around with a pocket knife, baseballs, hammer and a socket wrench.

So dad even though I know you will never read this. I am doing great. Thank you for teaching me the skills you did. Thank you for believing in me as a child so I could grow up to be who I am today. Thank you for being my dad. I hope one day you will be okay with all of this and we can really talk again.

Love you son –
Elliot

things are looking up…

August 26, 2012

I have had a few ups and downs this past week. So the beginning of the week was super hard and the end of the week turned out great.

I have had a few issues with dysphoria and its been tough. I am very ready to start T. It took me along time to come to this point in my life but I am here now and can’t wait. The problem is finding a doctor close enough and that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. I found a doctor about 3 hours away. She works with transgender patients which is good. Here is the problem. The cost to see her is fine. $150 (what I was expecting to pay around here) but now add in the $70 bus ticket and what a hotel would cost for the night plus meds. It kinda makes my head spin. My first trip to see her would cost about $350 for everything. Not including that when I get home I will have another bill for the rest of it. Deep breath.
My primary doctor (who I love) has not told me that she wouldnt do it 100% yet but on the phone the other day it was about 95% nope I have never done this and you might have to look in bigger cities.
I have gotten from some friends in Canada a name of a doctor who would be willing to speak with my doctor about all the ins and outs of everything. My doctor is also talking with a colleague who has worked with two other people in the area to see if she would be willing to take me on. Keep your fingers crossed!

I have also learned that I might have to go and see another therapist to get an okay for starting T. GAH REALLY?! I have been seeing my therapist for 3 years. I love her and she knows everything. Bad stuff, good stuff, gender stuff and everything in between. She is talking to her colleagues about this too. Keep your fingers crossed about this too!

(I would also like to know at what point can you start calling co-workers colleagues?! I might have to start that now!!)

And this brings me to something I have bought. I received it in the mail at the end of last week. I looked at it for a couple of days. Then got really super bummed out. I should not have to order “my junk” off the Internet. Yep that’s right I am now packin! Watch out.
So this brings me back to the beginning of the week. So now I have my junk sitting in a bag in a box. And I get super sad. I wished things were easier. I wish I could of just been born with what I need. Not to mention the bottom surgery sucks ass! $150,000 for something that really doesn’t even work unless you pump it up first. Gah you would think it would be different now. That things would of changed and that the ftm surgery would work and be just as effective as the mtf surgery. All this I am thinking while I stare at my junk. It does nothing. Just sits in my gitch (that was for my Canadian friends!!)
Well it was time to suck it up (maybe bad choice of words there) and figure out how to wear this junk. After 4 times to buy different gitch (nothing really held it in place since it just sits in there) some very smart Canadian said what about a jock strap…. What a brilliant idea!!!! Not only does it hold my junk in place, it’s tight enough that it holds my binder down too. (woot no belt unless I want to wear it!!)

This is day 4 that I have been packing from the time I wake up til bed time (I wanted to pack at night just to see how it felt but a jock strap is not as comfy as it looks. ) I can say that after the first day and looking at every mirror I could find, I woke up day two feeling like I was missing something. HUGE DUMB SMILE. So ya it’s day 4 and I feel great. I have never felt better and just a bit more complete. Which is an awesome feeling. It’s just hard not to walk around all day grabbing my junk. Hahaha

Oh and brother texted me for the first time in 3 months last weekend too. It was so nice to hear from him I have missed our chats. He is still hurt and confused. It will take time but I love him and would do anything for him so I am willing to wait and let him take all the time he needs. I am so proud of him. He started college this month. He has a full ride scholarship for running to the University of Arkansas! I am hoping either in January or February I will be able to go down and watch an indoor race!

I have a super busy next 6 months going on. Lots of work here in the states. I think I have off a total of one weekend between now and October 23rd. That’s when I leave for Canada and will be gone almost a month. I will be back November 16th and start work right away. I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to see people and friends who have turn out to be another extended family!

Well that’s it for now.
Later -E

someday…

July 30, 2012

So I have been in London, Ontario for the past week. I have been having a blast so far. Being here as also made me a bit sad too. In my home town I am a transguy. The end. I was Michelle who is now Elliot. That is it. Which is fine, there is nothing wrong with that at all. But there is no community. Sure I have met another transperson but not the same. I have been lucky enough to be here for pride, which has been wonderful. I walked with my good friend for PFLAG at the pride parade. I have been lucky to meet people who I am hoping will be friends for a long time to come.

I just cant wait for that someday.

This is my night of non thinking. So of course I am thinking. Which for the people who have been close to me these last 5 days know that thinking is a feat upon it’s self tonight. I have been dealing with my epilepsy since Saturday and my brain has been in one big fog. Not remembering where I was or what I did or not able to form words the way I wish so frustrating and scary. So my meds have seemed to kick in a bit better and I should be back on my way! Woot woot!!

Tonight I had a wonderful chat with a friend who for the craziest reasons just gets me. I wish for all of us that we are able to have that one friend who will sit on the phone with you for hours with out sayin a word but is there “just in case” . A friend who has seen you at your best and holy crap at your worse. A friend who you can tell anything to and not worry about what they are going to think of you after you said it.. you might get called a dork but know that changes nothing.

I know I have not wrote in the blog for a long time and truthfully I have no good reasons except that I have been hiding from myself and life. If I just picked up one more shift that is one less day that I would have to spend in the real world being half girl half boy. My guy I work with he doesn’t see Elliot, or Michelle he sees a punching bag!! That in its self has it days but it sure is a lot easier to go to work and be punched or hit then have these words that people in my daily life throw around and not even realize what kind of damage they are doing to a person. Or the worse is to be ignored. I hate that. I am a person with feelings who has in some way opened up to you and have let you into this very personal thing and then to ignore me GAH.

So I told everyone. I sent my letter to my parents and said hey facebook guess what?!! I got more positive responses that I knew what to do with. I was completely overwhelmed with love and support from friends. In fact later that evening I was just in shock. I was chatting with a friend who was watching all these comments coming in for me and was so happy for me and I was just there. I wasn’t excited or anything because I was expecting the worst and received the best. The next morning it hit me and I cried a lot and was so overwhelmed. But I can tell you that I woke up a different person. I walked taller and had this weight lifted off that had been there longer then I had even realised. It was amazing! I run into people a lot that don’t know and that is okay. I just deal with it on the spot.

My parents are not dealing with it well. I really didn’t expect them to at all. But I wouldn’t really know because they have not contacted me to tell me. They have just called my one sister who has passed it on. But from what was said they are pissed. Oh well. One day my hope is we will all talk again. Same with my little brother. One day all will be well.

I have been doing a lot of reading on transgender everything. I keep just wanting to know and learn more. Along with that comes documentaries. Those are hard. But I keep watching them anyway. I need to know. I want to know about surgeries, and feelings and what partners think. I just need to know as much as I can. That all comes with a huge price for me. It makes me think even more. I do enough thinking for most people in the world and this just bring my body image and dysphoria to the fore front. Which will always be an issue for me until I am able to change my body to fit how I think it needs to be. Tonight has been hard watching about how lesbians and feminists and butches are really kinda taken back at trans guys. How can you even want to be one of those guys. Just be you and that should be good enough. Well don’t you think that it would of been a whole hell of a lot easier to just say I am good. I am good feeling like a dude in a chicks body. Oh for sure I wish it was that easy but for me its not. I need to have surgery so I can look in the mirror. period. I look in the mirror and I see Michelle. I don’t see Elliot. I cant look in the mirror nor have I even been able to look at my chest. They have been just some thing that has been covered up to the best of my abilities and just ignored with hopes that they will go way when I wake up… ummm ya I am 32 and they are still here. That whole click your heals with red shoes or wiggle your nose thing doesn’t work at all. FYI.

I think I am calling it a night. Thanks for reading. I have to keep up on blogging. Its good for the soul!

-E

Okay I am out on my kayak. My brain should stop thinking but it’s not. I have a million thoughts going on and I just need some quiet time away from myself. My kayak has always been my safe space. A place I can go and get away from everyone. Today it’s not that. I guess because I always got in my kayak and got away from others. Now today it’s me trying to get away from me.

It’s my first time I have been out on the water since I found who I was. I have forever said that peanut butter cups and being on the water could cure anything. Well now that chocolate and peanut butter cause me to go the Er and I dont have to run away from anyone I feel kinda screwed. Yes I know things will get better they always do. Right?! Well sometimes things don’t always get better they just get more tolerable.

I am out on the lake hiding in my spot in a swimsuit. It’s a nice swimsuit. I had it made just for me what seems like a million years ago. But today I have a chest. I have cleavage. I am a dude with boobs. I have the start of hairy legs and some good arm pit hair going on with the rest of my physical body as a girl. Gah. I didn’t think about that when planning my morning on the water. I know I can go and buy a ftm suit but I truthfully don’t want to spend the money on it. I think they are around $100 but I just dont want it. I wear a binder 98% of the time and I need some time away from that too. I just wish I could be comfortable in my own skin.

I need to find some peace today. A friend told me I just need a break from my own brain. And I do. I know I do but as of right now it’s not happening. 😦

-E

I am not really sure how to explain this weekend, but part of me really doesn’t want to. I have had a fantastic, wonderful, restful, amazing weekend. I wish I could just stop time. I don’t want any of this to end but it will. I will go back to working a million hours and planning trips and just doing my everyday things.

I (for my own self) had an award moment this weekend. Hangin with a friend who only knows and sees me as Elliot (which is frickin awesome…just sayin and soooooo freeing) anyways we both needed to use a public washroom….and I went into the woman’s along with my friend who is a woman and it made me go Hmmmm. So that was my award moment for the weekend which is really good. Most of the time it is award moments by the hour. 🙂

There were a lot of best things about this weekend but the one thing which is beyond awesome has been being myself. I can be who I am with out worries about wearing a binder or just my everyday worries. It has been such a nice reminder that even though I have girl parts I am still a male. Huge sigh and huge relief. I cant wait for that day to be able to be a stealth trans guy!

Well this is a short blog but its what I have today. Have a good one. Cheers!

-E